I will soak it all in. I will make it ALL the best times!

Right around lunch today, my eyes were drawn to a photo that's on my desk.

This one.

 

 

 

 

It's been here for just under 2 years. I see if everyday.
It makes me smile. It brings back great memories.

But today, today it did something a little different.
It made me sad. It made me cry.

This was taken not that long ago, on a family vacation, and here we are almost 2 years later and I'm wondering where my babies went. Where the time went. How they've gotten so big.

I text my husband the photo and said what I was feeling. He sent back some encouraging words, but all I could text back was "I've already missed the best times!!!"

And I want to post here that I TAKE THAT BACK.
And I have to keep telling myself that.

I might have missed being home with my babies while they were much younger, I might have missed watching them grow every day while I was working out of the home, and I might have missed so much more that I don't even know...but I'm here to promise that as long as I'm still working FT (plus some), I will not miss any more time that I AM home. My 3 babies will be my center of attention. I won't miss the time i do have with them.

And then, when that day comes that I can be home with them, I won't take it for granted. I won't complain. I won't miss time. I will soak it up, knowing I'm now doing what I've ALWAYS wanted to do. Be home with my kids. Get the daily household chores done while they are at school. Get dinner started. Have my husband home for dinner...not just for bed time. Not have to rush home from work to get them from the bus to have them do their homework to get them to activities. I don't want the rush. I want to enjoy. I want to soak it all in. I will make it ALL the best times!

And while I'm not there yet, I can feel it. I know it's so much closer than it's ever been. And until that day comes, I will enjoy the time I do have now. I will be more patient with them and myself and my husband. I will soak it all in.

I will make it ALL the best times! :)

 



You may not know this about me...

...in fact, no one knew this about me until pretty recently. I was married to my husband for about 3 years before I told him. I just told my parents about a month ago, and my sister and close friends just found out earlier this week. I kept a pretty dark secret for a very long time. I guess I thought I could get through it myself and no one would ever have to know. But, I RECENTLY realized this was a forever thing...something I am always going to have.

I have an eating disorder.

There. I said it. The hardest part is admitting it. 

Years ago, I thought I might. I knew my habits were not healthy, I did seek help from a nutritionist, but I never really said to myself - "This is me." Obviously the signs were there...

This was one of my college books from back in 2000-2001. I came across it at the beginning of this year. As I was showing my son how big college books were, I started flipping through it to show him how I took notes on the pages and hi-lited what was important for me to know. 

But I found it odd to find that there were no notes on the pages, and there was nothing hi-lited. It was as if I never used this book before. But I know I had. And then, I flipped to the following pages. The only hi-lited pages of this book. And I had to walk away from my son so he wouldn't see me cry. 

It all came back to me. The years of feeling so alone. The years of trying ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to lose weight...not eating, diet pill after diet pill (over the counter and from infomercials), weight watchers (which i had success with, but still wasn't healthy), joining weight loss studies, and the one that stuck with me - BINGE EATING...when I say I tried it all, I tried it all. Normally, those with this disorder will eat, in a period of time (say 2 hours), more than anyone is recommended to eat in a day, feeling like they don't have control over stopping, and eat until they really can't anymore. They'll eat faster than normal, until uncomfortably full, when not hungry, alone, and feel disgusted or depressed afterwards. And for me, once the guilt kicked in and the food settled, I'd head to the gym and exercise excessively to burn the calories. But on more than several occasions, when I was the only one home, i'd eat a box of those stupid "chicken biscuit" crackers, some PB with it, some chocolate my parents had in the house...all of that, then go to the gym. And, that's all i'd eat in a day. There'd be days at my old college job where I was the only one in the office and eat a 1/2 to a whole thing of animal crackers. Then I'd have to run to the store to buy more to fill it up so no one would notice they were gone. And york peppermint patties...frozen or not I'd eat a whole bag of them, too. The list goes on. I remember times having plans to go out to eat with friends, and I'd not eat all day so I could enjoy dinner. OR, I'd have binged earlier in the day, and ended up not eating much at dinner because THAT part would make me gain weight. Then I'd get the comments "You never eat, Kristen..." and would think "If only you knew...if only you knew..."

 And you guys, I wasn't even fat or that overweight.

Me in 2000 or 2001.

My weight fluctuated A LOT back then. My lightest weight was probably 125lbs (i don't even remember), as a size 8 and at my heaviest I was at about 180lbs, as a size 18 (that i remember well). I'm 5'7", so I was usually always within a healthy weight range for my height, but I was far from healthy.

So, I say I have an eating disorder, but to be honest, it's undiagnosed/self-diagnosed. Back then, I was too scared to get help when I needed it the most. I thought something was wrong with me and, as I mentioned above, I was hoping I could fix it myself. But here I am, many years later, and though I have found something that does keep me from binge-ing more than anything ever has before, I DO STILL BINGE. 

And yes, I'm slightly embarrassed putting this all out there for anyone to read, but I know there are people out there who are reading this who are going through the same exact thing. And I want to tell those people this...

You aren't alone. Don't be scared. Go get help. I spent so much time struggling with this...YEARS...don't make the same mistake I did. Yes, binge eating is the most common eating disorder there is, but that doesn't make it OK. It makes me want to find everyone out there suffering from this and give you a big ole' HUG and say "I understand." Because I do understand. And sometimes you need just ONE person to be able to tell - stranger or not - and for them to be able to say "I understand" back, and you have this HUGE release off your shoulders. I promise you it will make you feel SO much better. So, if you need that person, I'm here. If not me, find that SOMEONE you can tell. They are out there, and they won't judge you.

I won't go on to say the "Beachbody saved me" or "cured" me from Binge Eating Disorder, but I will say that there's never been anything like the programs, the support, the relationships, the community, the love that Beachbody has to offer that has kept me from binge-ing. Everything about Beachbody is everything I was looking for and more. Trust me, I FREAKED OUT when I started on my journey and realized how much food I was supposed to eat. The "dieter" in me said "You eat all that food, you'll gain more weight." It wasn't until I tried it, and realized it may be a lot of food - but it's the right kind of food - that I started believing. My dieter mentality is no more. THIS has been a lifestyle change for me. And each day I'm shown that Beachbody knows where it's at, and I'm so blessed to be a part of this company. I'd say it was a good year on Shakeology and doing Beachbody programs before I had a binge eating episode. Before starting with Beachbody, i was still binge-ing 1-2x a week. From July 2013 through August/September 2014 - I hadn't binged at all. But I have since then...a couple times...but each time I recognize it more, I TRY to have more control, I TRY not to feel guilt. I've learned that it is going to be a forever struggle with me. I'm not perfect. I know what triggers my binge-ing episodes, and I'm learning new ways to deal with it better. Every time I do binge, I text my husband (because I only binge when I'm home alone), and he and I talk about why I did, etc. It helps. But if you're looking for support...if you're looking for help with any type of eating disorder or for something that can help you make a healthy, lifestyle change, please come talk to me. I'd love to answer any questions you have about my story, I'd love to hear your story, and I'd love to share with you more about why Beachbody has changed my life.  

This is me today. Happy. Healthy. But yes, I still suffer from Binge Eating Disorder.
Email me if you're looking for support: KM.LetItGo@gmail.com
(I am not a Dr, psyciatrist, nutritionist, etc.
I am a health & fitness coach who LOVES helping others on their path to living a healthy, more ful-filling life :)  ) 

So many WHY's...this is one...

I posted that status this morning after battling back and forth about staying longer with him or staying on time and going into work. I fight that battle every morning whether the kids are up in my bed or not :/ I've struggled with it for 10 years now. 

I NEVER wanted to be a working mom. NEVER EVER. 

That being said, it was what happened AFTER this that got me even more determined than when I posted the status. It's something that confirmed my WHY of wanting to be home with my kids. 

On the way into work I was listening to personal development (PD). Lately, my PD has been Joel Osteen. (side note: I've never been big into talking about religion, but have always felt a tug inside to follow it more closely. Until becoming a coach, I never listened to that tug. Since listening to the tug, it's just continued to get stronger and i LOVE the feelings I get by listening to Joel, christian music, etc. I'll talk more about this later.) This morning, Joel was talking to me. He said what I needed to hear, and I heard it loud and clear. 

It was all about setting GOALS, no matter how far out of reach you think they are, and GROWING into the person who WILL reach those goals that God put in your heart. 

And so, when I got into work, I posted something about that on my Facebook page.

"If you're not seeing what God put into your spirit, if you aren't yet living it, keep moving forward. 

Where you are now is only temporary. Keep growing."

As if that wasn't enough to get me moving towards my goals even more, I opened my email to catch up on my "Darren Dailys" and THIS was the first one I heard! :) 

Ironic?! Maybe. God doing his work? Definitely!